DEATH~ a subject I was sure I wasn’t going to come face to face with for a long time. now I am sitting here in stillness with my body, but with a breaking heart, a mind filled with thoughts of what-ifs and regrets, and a twisted sick stomach. 

I feel like I am still in some sort of shock swimming in disbelief and confusion. Its like life is passing by through its normal rhythm but I am stuck to the moment the ocean took hold of my friend with all its power. 

The ocean represents the best moments with my family, we consider its salty dance to be our song. This powerful body of water is what brings stillness to our minds and restores our bodies with peace and love. Now my love for this salty majestic beast has been intertwined with frustration, heart aching and melancholy. 

Two days ago I experienced the transition of life and death in the blink of an eye. Two days ago I witnessed my friend get swept away through the strong currents of the ocean. I can’t take away the moment I saw his face quickly fill with fear. He didn’t scream or struggle, he didn’t have too, his expression was enough to help me understand he was shouting out for help. As my heart raced with fear and adrenaline the only thing in my mind was saving him. I was tempted and about to jump into the strong ocean current that was dragging him further and further away from me. I didn’t think about the consequences of us two drowning together, I just wanted to hold his hand and bring him to safety. But intuition came quickly and made me run to look for help. Yes, this was the smartest thing to do in a case like this, but it was the hardest fucking decision I have ever made. Needless to say, guilt and regret live inside of me now. Without the protection of our local lifesavers, the beach turned into a community and unified its forces in order to do the best for him. Unfortunately, our efforts took too long for what his body could hold. It's been two days since I saw my friend get carried back to the shore unconscious of life. Its been two days but I still am in a state where I don’t know what to do, say or feel. 

My friend Jose, in this letter I say goodbye to you but only from the physical realm here in earth-side. I know the universe has your spirit floating around the cosmos and you can still hear me. We knew each other for the tiniest fraction of our life but we acted as if we were brother and sister in a culture unknown to our roots. We gifted each other one of the greatest gifts in life: true unconditional friendship. Thank you for being such a beautiful presence in my life. We made our worlds feel a little bit closer to home and for that, I thank you!

A day before you departed we were in the same spot at the beach and with all honesty, you asked me to never stop being your friend.  I am here today reminding you that a friend I will always be to you. In the heavens or on earth I will always be here. I promise to celebrate your life as I make my way through mine. I promise to keep our conversations flowing as if nothing ever changed. 

I know that if the cards were played differently and it was me who got to go and not you, I would pray for you to keep celebrating your life with the same passion and excitement we had while sharing our dreams and aspirations during our long conversations in the park. I know this is something you would tell me right now as the heaviest of clouds pours on top of me. So I promise to surrender to the waves of pain and embrace them with kindness. I promise to honour your soul by living with the same light your heart radiated when you made your presence into a room. 

Thank you for sharing your last three weeks with me. Thank you for reminding me what true friendships look like. Thank you for holding me in a space of trust, love and respect. Thank you for taking away my homesickness for a while. Thank you for coming into my life and for becoming my guardian angel. Thank you for reminding me how fragile and unexpected life is. Martin + Bella + Myself will always keep you in our hearts.

Thank you to the angels/heroes who fought to bring him back to safety and back into this world that Thursday morning, It was a hard fight for us all. Thank you to those warm hands who held me while my screams ripped through my throat and my eyes vented uncontrollably. Thank you to all my families around the world for holding me together. Thank you to my husband who even from far away has managed to make me feel like I am held tightly in his arms. 

To all his family and friends I am deeply sorry for your loss. My heart aches with you.

Te quiero Jose eres un guerrero de la vida y ahora un angel mas en el cielo. Gracias por caminarla con el corazón abierto a todo lo bueno. Ya te extraño mucho.

Con mucho cariño tu amiga por siempre ~Natalia Colichon

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